By Pam MansellHerald Writer
By Pam Mansell
Herald Writer
U
NTIL THIS SUMMER, some of my most challenging moments as a parent came when my husband Charley and I had to make decisions on what we would allow our children to do.
How far was too far on the first solo drive after getting a driver's license? What age was the right age for kids to stay by themselves in the house for an evening? The questions and the decisions never seemed to end.
This summer, though, there was a new wrinkle in our parenthood adventures. Our 20-year-old daughter Cate went to Europe for most of the summer. Most of the time was spent taking a course, but part of it _ too long a part, from our point of view _ was spent traveling through as many countries as she could get to. Much of the time she traveled alone.
``And you LET her go on her own?'' most of my friends ask after hearing this. No, we didn't. When your adult child is footing the bill for her own trip, parent permission is not part of the baggage she's taking along.
I remember a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago, and my response when she told me her 23-year-old daughter had called to announce she was living with her boyfriend. ``This is OK with you?'' I asked doubtfully.
``It wasn't presented to us as an option,'' my friend sighed.
Right now, I wish I could take back all my fretting about how hard it was to make day-to-day decisions for your children. Believe me, their independence, and the corresponding parental helplessness as you watch them make what you're sure is a horrendous mistake, is much more difficult.
We have all learned a lot this summer. I, for one, have learned that Cate is better able to take care of herself than I ever dreamed possible. I have also learned to survive on only a few hours sleep after those nights I lie awake imagining nightmarish scenarios. Sometimes I just worried about where she was _ especially after I learned that knowing her planned itinerary meant absolutely nothing. Last week, for example, she called to say plans to meet student friends in Geneva had fallen through, and she was on her own. ``I'm thinking of going to either Berlin or Barcelona,'' she said, and by the end of the conversation, Berlin seemed to be the first choice.
She called the next day to check in _ her father's insistent plea _ and I asked her how Berlin was. ``Oh, I'm in Copenhagan,'' she said blithely, having a great time with an Italian group of students she'd met on the train.
Of course, Cate has learned a lot, too. She's spent two months washing clothes by hand, since laundromats are way too expensive on a student budget. She's slept in youth hostels that charge $10 to $15 a night for dormitory-style rooms and a bath down the hall, and sometimes, when she didn't feel she could afford that, she's slept in train seats, taking advantage of the cheap Eurrail pass she bought before she left.
You have a different view of expenses when you're spending your own money and not your parents', and if this trip has reinforced the need to budget carefully and plan for tomorrow, then it's been a good experience _ even beyond the historic cities and the variety of cultures she's seen.
And speaking of planning for tomorrow... it hit me this week that it's only a matter of time until we go through this same urge for independence with 18-year-old Jeff. I hope it's not soon, because it's going to take a while to recover from this one.
Pam Mansell covers New Wilmington for The Herald.