When Ellie Pope of Masury lost her first husband, she was 34 years old with four children between the ages of 2 and 12.

"Needless to say I was scared to death," she said. "I was quite lost, scared, angry immobilized."

Her husband, William Durst, was only 34 when he was killed in an accident. They had been married for 13 years.

"I was young and scared. I didn't know what to do," Mrs. Pope said.

Six years ago, when Mrs. Pope lost her second husband of 19 1/2 years, Richard Pope, she said she had a different reaction.

"I was older and wiser," said Mrs. Pope, who had worked with a hospice bereavement team before retiring. "I think it was because I had worked so much with grief and loss ... I found it difficult, but this time I wasn't scared."

Major Dalessandro of Farrell is still grieving the loss of his wife of 56 years, Ida, who passed away on Sept. 30, 2000.

"She was a beautiful woman. She took care of the kids and did all these wonderful things. She had my clothes ready ... she was very friendly with all the neighbors," he said. "We never went to bed with any animosity ... above all we loved each other dearly."

Jodie Moroco, a counselor with Sharon Regional Health System's hospice program, said most of the people she deals with are widows and widowers.

"It's very, very difficult because the people we get here are people who had really good relationships," she said. "Most of these people did everything together and they really don't know what to do without the other person."

Widowhood is often harder on men than on women, Ms. Moroco said, because women are often more social and take care of things around the house.

For the first few weeks after a spouse's death, Ms. Moroco helps their widows or widowers understand their grief and not deny it, but she also helps them understand that they still have some purpose in life.

Ms. Moroco also tries to dispel stereotypes about grief. She tells them to take as long as they need to grieve for their spouse.

"It's not over in a year ... they know best what they need," she said, adding she advises her clients to wait at least a year before making any major changes in their lives. "There's no time limit on grieving."

Ms. Moroco also tries to avoid using the word "closure."

"Closure seems to indicate something has ended. It hasn't ended. It's just changed. The process does not end."

At first new widows and widowers struggle. They may not want to get out of bed. Ms. Moroco encourages them to be active.

When Mrs. Pope lost her first husband she didn't know what to do. But then she took control of her life.

"One of the things in widowhood I've learned: we need to take a few risks and rescue ourselves," she said.

After four months, Mrs. Pope went back to school to get her degree and became a registered nurse. In the time between her first and second marriage she received her master's degree in counseling and worked with a hospice bereavement team.

The second time she was widowed, Mrs. Pope found the situation difficult, but also felt she could handle it. She wasn't scared.

"In my second marriage, we were individuals," Mrs. Pope said. "That's part of what happens when couples are so dependent on each other. People need to establish confidence and see within themselves. There are tasks they need to learn when their role changes."

Dalessandro said the hospice program's bereavement team has helped him cope with his loss.

"It was very difficult for me ... I think about her, I see her pictures ... all the good things she did for the house," he said.

The bereavement group alleviated a lot of Dalessandro's problems, he said.

"It made me understand you can't just stay home and dwell on it. You must get out and talk with people," he said.

Both Mrs. Pope and Dalessandro have the support of their children, family and friends to carry them through difficult times.

Dalessandro said his children call him every day to see how he's doing. He also said he had to thank Ms. Moroco and the bereavement team for helping him deal with his wife's death.

"I had a lot of love and support from family and friends," Mrs. Pope said. "That's what you need, not someone telling you to get over it."